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Trade: Ramirez to/from the Texas Rangers

I call to order this meeting of the Texas Rangers executives. Let's start this thing off. Steve, I think you said you had an update on negotiations with the Red Sox on trading a Ramirez... or was it getting a Ramirez. Anyway, Steve?

Thanks Bob. The Sox have offered to trade us Ramirez. We're negotiating to let them pay his salary while we send them some talent from our system. The good news is, as per regular order, this trade will simply not go through.

How so?

Well, it's like you've said so often Bob: "why make a trade when you can act like you're making a trade but really not do anything but it still feels like a trade which is fun and sort of exciting but in this case still changes nothing which is safer which I like which is good which I like." Remember when you said that?

I did?

Ok enough about that. The other trade we have in the works, not coincidentally also with the Red Sox and involving a Ramirez, involves us getting an old third basement who hits well but moves like a Icelandic glacier. Ok, hear me out, we trade Ramirez, our Ramirez to the Red Sox for Sir Sloughalot and then, weeks later, we look at an x-ray of his body - any part really, he's a 35 year old athlete - we "discover" an injury and call it off. Won't that be fun? Oh I'm gitty now!

What the hell are you...

Next year, here's what I'm thinking: the Red Sox have a reliever, his name is Ramon Ramirez...

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